The Great Indian Circus

Chairman – Okay guys, now that we have had our coffee, biscuits and the regular dose of small talk – let’s decide on the team.

Selector 2 – Oh! Yes. It is getting late. The press would get suspicious if we claim to have deliberated for too long. After all the team for the last world cup was decided in less than 2 hours… We have already spent more than that time in this room – we better hurry up.

Selector 3 – yes, that’s true. So how do we start?

Chairman – Let’s start with the 30 probables list.

Selector 4 – What do you mean by the 30 probables? We all know half of them were only there to make up numbers. Let’s not waste time in discussing the unnecessary.

Chairman – Alright; so let’s start with the certainties. Which is the first name?

Selector 2 – Obviously it is Sachin…

Selector 4 – What do you mean it is obviously Sachin? How can you choose him first over the captain?

Selector 3 – Because he is ‘The Sachin’. And why are you so upset? Is it because the captain is from your zone?

Selector 4 – Maybe yes, maybe no – but I strongly suggest that the captains name should be first.

Chairman – Alright now; let’s not argue about this let’s choose the first two names together. So it will be Sachin and Rahul.

Selector 4 – Why is it Sachin and Rahul – it should be Rahul and Sachin.

Chairman – Okay, Selector 4; I guess you should give up. The majority is against you. But to appease you I propose that you get an extra representation in the squad from your zone.

Selector 4 – That’s good enough.

Chairman – Selector 5, you have been silent throughout for a change. Don’t you have anything to say?

Selector 5 – I’m here only to fight for Saurav and ensure he is in the team. But now that Saurav has picked himself with his recent form, I have decided to stay silent during this meeting. Anyways, how many do I get this time?

Chairman – As usual - not more than 2. Why; do you have more requirements?

Selector 5 – Yes, Sunny spoke to me this morning about Rohan. But then if it is only 2, I would rather have Mahi with Saurav.

Selector 3 – You are right. I was speaking with Mahi’s agent the other day and he explained how crores were riding on Mahi during this world cup season. After all he has been declared by the press as the next big thing after Sachin.

Chairman – Also, Sunny needs a dose of this. He keeps talking all over ESPN and STAR about what a lousy job we are doing. Let Rohan continue to play with Bengal for some more time.

Selector 5 – So that’s finalized – it will be Saurav and Mahi.

Chairman – That takes care of Selector 5. Now Selector 4 - So who do you have in mind?

Selector 4 – Well I had only 4 names – but now that you have given me an extra one I’m just a little confused.

Selector 2 – What’s so confusing? The captain is a certainty. The press has been claiming that Robin and Sree are the next super stars. And then you have the 2 old war horses Anil and VVS.

Selector 4 – That’s right. But the chairman has gone around claiming that these 2 horses are very old and unfit for war. How can we pick them now? Also the president had promised the TN board that there would be at least one player from TN this time.

Chairman – That’s true. We need to pick somebody from TN. Forget the president; I’m more worried about Krish Sreekanth. He has threatened to come to my place and talk to my entire family in Hindi if there is no representation from his state this time also.

Selector 3 – So what’s the big deal – drop Sree and pick Dinesh. You can also use him as the reserve keeper. Let the lad make some money – Parthiv made tons during the last cup and he has already gone into semi-retirement. That is good for us – lesser headaches during selection.

Chairman – No, that can’t be done. The president is planning to have a break dance program by Sree during his grand son’s birthday party and if not selected, Sree might not agree.

Selector 4 – Okay, so we will have to drop one of the horses. I will toss a coin; if it is heads Anil is in – you can tell the press that Anil got in due to his experience of playing the world cup, while VVS got dropped because the Caribbean pitches does not let the ball carry to the slip region, which is the only place VVS can field. On the other hand if it is tails – VVS gets in. That way you can say VVS got picked to bolster the middle order while Anil was unlucky because the Caribbean pitches does not assist leg spinners bowling over 100 kmph.

Chairman – Now that it is tails, Selector 4 also is taken care of – it will be Rahul, Anil, Robin, Sree and Dinesh. Now my zone; As usual I get 5 – do any of you have any suggestions.

Selector 2 – Sachin is already in and you have only 5 more from which you need to pick 4. And going by form and injury it is a toss-up for 2 spots between Irfan, Ramesh and Munaf.

Selector 3 – ICC has clearly told all the boards that they would provide the pitch - rollers and we need not carry our own. So I guess we should drop Ramesh.

Chairman – You are right. That way we can save some money for the board. You know how these airlines charge double fare for over-weight passengers.

Selector 2 – But what would you tell the press. This guy has been bowling pretty well.

Chairman – Of course the standard dialogue – “His name came up for discussion but unfortunately we just couldn’t squeeze him into the team”. Alright, now I have my 5. It will be – Sachin, Ajit, Zaheer, Irfan and Munaf. It’s you two next. You can pick 3 among yourselves.

Selector 3 – But why do both of us together have only 3?

Chairman – That’s because of what your respective zonal boards did during the last elections. I’m sorry guys, but the instruction from the president is clear – not more than 3.

Selector 2 – But we had the maximum representation in the probables list. How can we pick just 3. There are too many in the fray – Yuvi, Bhajji, Mongia, Viru, Suresh, Kaifu, Gautam, Joginder, RP, VRV – and not to forget the new sensation Ishant that the press is talking about.

Chairman – I will help you sort this mess. Let’s do the rejection method – Ishant is still new, he can get more chances. Joginder is too boring and accept it, Haryana would need him for its matches; who else is there to help it win? Sachin and Saurav have said that they would require keeping gloves while fielding in slips, if VRV is chosen; and you can’t blame them because most of VRV’s balls reach them – so let’s not pick him. RP can’t speak English; it would be a shame if he wins a ‘man of the match’ award and is asked to speak on TV; so he too is dropped. Gautam is anyway coming back to the test team during our next tour; so he can make his money that way. Mongia anyways has seen one world cup – so he should give somebody else a chance. So who does that leave us with?

Selector 3 – Yuvi, Bhajji, Viru, Kaifu and Suresh. Let’s pick Yuvi and Bhajji and one more from the rest.

Selector 2 – You need to pick Suresh. I’m not saying this only because he is from my zone but also because he is the brightest natural talent that we have today.

Chairman – That’s true. But since Suresh has managed to hide all his talent so brilliantly at the international level – I guess we should hide him from the world too.

Selector 3 – That leaves us with one from 2 – who will it be; Viru or Kaifu?

Selector 2 – I propose Kaifu. He is the better fielder and he was the best batsman during the last tour of West Indies.

Selector 3,4,5 – We all propose the same too.

Chairman – We have a problem here. Rahul has specifically asked for Viru. You know how the coach gets on everyone’s nerves once in a while. Apparently Viru is the only one who manages to keep the coach in his place. So Rahul desperately wants him.

Selector 2 – So that does it. Viru is selected and that completes our 15. Now let us go announce to the world the results…..